crisis

recently, i've heavily contemplated deleting this pathetic blog after reading so man inspirational blogs of friends or accquaintences that lead more glamorous lives than mine, that are more photogenic, more self-confident, that are certainly more articulate, more creative, and wittier, but then just as i was poised over the delete button, i reconsidered. all of my life i have been comparing myself to what i want so badly to be- anyone but me, anyone but this sickly, obsessively, genuinely self loathing girl who has never met her own standards in any regard. ever. and what i want is to post this on my blog and to not have anyone read it, to just have an intimate space for me to dump and contrive my thoughts without the pressure of moulding them into an aesthetically pleasing format, because lets face it, i've never been good at anything aesthetically pleasing, and i hope to hell that no one reads this, but i hope to hell if they do they somewhat understand this insatiable desire. the desire not to always be deleting and hiding, frantically searching for some serenity or some emotional balance which never comes, and only compels me to delete, retreat, and disappear further striving for the unobtainable. if that makes any sense? but then to hell with sense, i'm continually self contradicting. my life is an unnecessary crisis and its tiring.