crisis

recently, i've heavily contemplated deleting this pathetic blog after reading so man inspirational blogs of friends or accquaintences that lead more glamorous lives than mine, that are more photogenic, more self-confident, that are certainly more articulate, more creative, and wittier, but then just as i was poised over the delete button, i reconsidered. all of my life i have been comparing myself to what i want so badly to be- anyone but me, anyone but this sickly, obsessively, genuinely self loathing girl who has never met her own standards in any regard. ever. and what i want is to post this on my blog and to not have anyone read it, to just have an intimate space for me to dump and contrive my thoughts without the pressure of moulding them into an aesthetically pleasing format, because lets face it, i've never been good at anything aesthetically pleasing, and i hope to hell that no one reads this, but i hope to hell if they do they somewhat understand this insatiable desire. the desire not to always be deleting and hiding, frantically searching for some serenity or some emotional balance which never comes, and only compels me to delete, retreat, and disappear further striving for the unobtainable. if that makes any sense? but then to hell with sense, i'm continually self contradicting. my life is an unnecessary crisis and its tiring.

Sunshine

I miss this with all my heart. I want my girls, I want the sunshine, yeah, and I want the top, botht he basket and the contents.

This is heaven

Why?

FOREVER my Boss-ton. Little Rousseau you're the best thing that ever happedend to me. I love you more than anything in this universe. I miss you so unbelievably much, I can't even begin to realize what my life is going to be with out your little body, your little arm hugs and snout kisses, taking up my bed and getting me through everyday, good god you were the most beloved dog and I miss your prancing feet and knotted little tail. you were the most beautiful animal ever to live. I love you, I love you, I love you more than anything. You had me hooked since the first day I saw you, you chose me and I chose you. How am I supposed to go on without you? I can't eat, I can't sleep I'm too heartbroke to function. I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry little pumpkin. Stay warm, stay safe my little bug.... show them you're the boss. I hope I really will see you again. I couldn't live thinking otherwise. XOXOXOX I wish I could kiss your little face everyday.

Rousseau I Love You So

Not a whole lot in my life is permanent these days... except for this one.

Celebrity Hangout

Uncanny eh?

Sleep Deprived

Yesterday it snowed. I can't believe how fast time is flying by, last night at Kara's Jared asked what the date was and I told him it was the 11th, oh wait, nevermind its the 12th, um, too bad yesterday was the 15th. Shoooo man. It was great to be inside looking out and seeing the snow fall yesterday. Emma and I went to breakfast with Rousseau, Kate, and Keri at Provo bakery. We ate far too many donuts. Yesterday I was complaining that my hot chocolate was watery and Emma informed me that it was because most people used milk, what? I'd never heard of putting milk in the mircrowave gross right? Wrong! Silk Very Vanilla Soymilk in the microwave = delicious. Try it....

In other news, I had to share my twin with a sprawling little snoring somebody, that kicked me out of my bed numerous times.....help?